Well-meaning cis folk

I am tired. I am tired of well-meaning cis folks. I am really, really tired of well-meaning straight cis folks.

I’m tired of people who organize sexuality conferences, and make all kinds of noise about the special effort they’ve made to be more trans inclusive this year, and still comment loudly about how surprised they are to see so many women in the prostate play seminar. Seriously. Because even if you think you live in a world where women don’t have prostates, is it that hard to remember that sometimes women have sex with people who have prostates, and that sometimes they might be interested in the bodies of their sex partners?

I’m really, really, really tired of people who think it’s appropriate to describe the non cis male people attending the workshop on cis male sexuality as “allies”. Newsflash: cis men do not need allies.

I’m tired of people who think that throwing the word “identified” after gender (as in female-identified) makes them trans inclusive. It actually usually feels like you’re denying that person’s identity. A trans woman doesn’t “identify as a woman”; she *is* a woman. If you describe yourself as seeking “woman-identified” sex partners, you are awful.

I’m tired of people who learn just enough to pick up a phrase that sounds like they know what they’re talking about, like they’re totally trans inclusive, and then use it in completely inappropriate ways. Don’t talk about “female-bodied people” when you mean “people who are perceived as female”. Those are very, very different categories.

Think before you speak. It really isn’t difficult to avoid misgendering people who have informed you of their gender. It just isn’t. Stop pretending it is, and do the damn work.

I am tired of doing the work for everyone else around me. Like, I’m fine if people meet me and assume that I fit in one category or the other of the binary. But once you have been told, listen. I don’t want to have to tell you again. And again. And again.

I’m not even asking anyone to understand my gender. I’m asking them to respect me. And I’m tired feeling like I’m the one being difficult when I maintain my boundaries after a friend makes a crack about “binders full of women” on my livejournal post about buying a binder.

Just, no. That wasn’t ok. And you defending it is making it worse.

Confidential to the people who actually know me: if I am the only trans person in your life, I am probably too tired to deal with you right now.

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