“But what are you, really?”: or, what the actual fuck, OKCupid?

So, OKC’s expanded gender and orientation options seem to have been extended to all accounts now. I was super excited to get a message from my hubby letting me know the options had gone live (I was depending on him for the news, because I had to hibernate my account when the first-stage changes went through) and immediately reactivated my account and got to work updating it.

I deleted my overly-expository profile opening explaining that my basic profile stats were incorrect. And I hit “edit” on the basic stats.

I selected “Non-binary” and “Genderqueer” as my gender identifiers. It felt awesome to be able to do so.

I scrolled down.

The next question was: “Include me in” with a drop-down menu giving precisely two options: “searches for women” and “searches for men”. You must pick one, and you can only pick one, in order to update your stats.

For the record, you can absolutely pick both “woman” and “man” as identifiers. But even then you have to pick only one set of searches to appear in.

If you choose only to specifically identify as a “Trans Woman” or a “Trans Man”, you get asked to verify what you really mean by that. Because it’s not like they can possibly know what that means, right?

If you choose “Androgynous” and “Woman”, you get asked what binary category you really belong in.

If you choose “Man”, “Cis Man”, “Woman” or “Cis Woman”, the question does not exist. If you choose both “Man” and “Cis Man”, even, you do not get the question.

It’s only if your gender is weird and clearly totally incomprehensible (like, y’know, “Trans Woman”, srsly wtf I can’t even) that you get the question.

Fuck you, OKC. On so many levels, this is truly appalling.

What I really am, OKC, is genderqueer. What I really am is non-binary. What I really am interested in is dating people who want to/are explicitly happy to date non-binary people. Those are the searches I want to be included in.

And yes, I do realize that will significantly reduce the number of people who see my profile. I consider that to be a fucking advantage.

And, I want to be clear, I actually don’t object on a base level to non-binary and/or binary trans people deciding whether they want to appear in searches for whichever binary gender they might be happy being included in. What I don’t understand is why the options are binary, why you can only select one, or even why you must select any at all – it wouldn’t be awful if I never showed up in anyone’s searches, but was still able to message people and reach them that way, after all.

Fix your fucking shit, OKC.

I’m done.


  1. This is extra frustrating because it’s so easy to fix:

    “Would you like to be included in…”

    [Two check boxes, “searches for women” and “searches for men”, which can BOTH be left unchecked, BOTH checked, or you can check just one.]

  2. Interesting. I haven’t been on for a while (uhh…transgender divorce and whatnot) but have been gearing up to go back. It does seem like a clusterfuck. I mean, if binary trans people say they’re only a man or a woman now, some people will probably be like “why didn’t you list your gender as trans.” I’m going to a polyamorous speed dating event this weekend, and I actually appreciate the opportunity to say I only want to date people who are interested in genderqueers AND “men” because there’s no point in my trying to date someone who’s only attracted to estrogen. But I definitely agree with keely that you should be able to choose any combo of those checkboxes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s