A whole bunch of things I’ve been noticing lately:
I am not as invested in the pronouns that are used for me a regular basis anymore. Before I go an further here: if you know me and you know I use they/them, you should continue using those for me. This statement is not intended as permission for people to stop doing that.
What I mean is that I think *because* the people who know me well and I am close to have, pretty much across the board, been totally willing to switch, and even when they’re not perfect with it, don’t ever make that *my* problem, but generally just apologize and/or correct themselves and move on, I have made a heck of a lot of progress in feeling more comfortable and secure in myself, to the extent that the pronouns that get used for me at work (almost universally she/her, though I get the occasional “young man” from a patron) sort of just slide off my back. I may come out at work eventually. I probably will. But it doesn’t feel like a major priority any more, which I actually take as a positive development.
Also, in whatever job I have next, I will be using my real name (I am using it to apply for jobs now), which will be great!
I’ve also become super bored with the vaguely masculine presentation I’ve been using at work. I’d really like to find ways to lean more into femme things at least sometimes, but I am actually struggling with feeling comfortable with that. I’m pretty sure that what I really want is to have a body/face that gets read more masculinely, and that I would feel better about wearing whatever if that were the case. I kind of think I want to pass as an AMAB genderqueer person, if that makes any sense :P
Really, in order to get what I think I want, I would need to move into medical interventions (testosterone for sure, probably chest surgery too?) but I don’t know for sure if I want to do that. And also it is vaguely TERRIFYING to contemplate. Also also, I am quite certain that “I want to be more masculine so that I can wear more dresses” isn’t going to get me very far, and the process will just be uncomfortable and involve lying and I don’t wanna.
For now, I am doing some really minor strength training, and maybe I will just jump that up and see where I can get that way? I don’t know. I am also pretty sure that none of this is stable, which is the extra frustrating part.