Me, and demisexuality, and… kink

[CN: this post does talk about sex and kink, but largely in a non-explicit ways. Some specific discussions of D/s dynamics, no mention of specific sex acts]

I have been trying for years to write about my relationship to kink. It’s complicated, and I struggle to articulate it a lot of the time. I mean, I can say “I am kinky”. That is true. But actually unpacking the ways and means of how I prefer to engage in kink, and what makes it awesome for me, is much harder.

I think that part of the problem is that I feel like I am combating misperceptions a lot of the time. Like, I’m kinky, but I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that that doesn’t mean whatever just jumped into your head when you read that? Even though, actually, what you thought of probably did at least superficially resemble something I enjoy. It’s just what’s going on under the surface that gets misunderstood a lot.

For instance, I know the popular perception of what it means to be involved in a dom/sub dynamic is pretty narrow. One person gets to decide what they want and demand it of/inflict it on the other person, right?

Well, I mean, I guess? This is definitely a thing that happens, and it is a thing I have been involved in, kinda, to some extent. It is for sure a thing I am capable of plugging into, and enjoying. But it’s not my thing. Not really.

So, what do I mean when I say I am feeling submissive, or bottom-y? For me, the kind of submission that is really powerful, that sings from deep inside me and fulfills me, goes kind of like this: I am surrendering my body to another person, based on the fact that I trust them to value it, and to take good care of it. I want them to understand that my submission is both a privilege and, importantly, a responsibility. My body is there for them to explore (note: not to use, or whatever), and my responses to their explorations are their reward. I am giving them clean slate to learn about and play with me, to find out how my body responds to different things, in a way that allows me to stop thinking and making decisions and just ride the sensations and see where they take me.

I will only submit to people that I can trust to take impeccable care of me. It’s not just about trusting that they won’t harm or violate me or whatever. Among other things, it means that I’m really only interested in doing engaging in this kind of play with people that I already have a strong sexual rapport, who have demonstrated a good understanding of my body and a high skill level in making me feel awesome in a variety of ways.

It’s a wonderful thing, when it works.

And, generally speaking, if I am feeling like I want to top someone, (and this is more theoretical than my thoughts on being a bottom, but for sure this is how I fantasize about it), mostly what I want is to be on the other end of that same dynamic. I want to be in control of what my partner is feeling, to see how they respond and to gain deep knowledge about how their body works, what makes them tick, and to take them on a sort of journey through their ability to experience pleasure and orgasm.

And I mean, to be clear, these aren’t the only way I can (or do) engage with kink, and I am really happy to play with all kinds of dynamics. The thing I’ve described here is just sort of my personal core fantasy (er, at least among the fantasies that I want to enact), most of the time.

In writing this out, it is also blatantly obvious to me how closely related these desires are to the more general descriptions I made about the kinds of emotional textures I like sex to have. In “I want to have sex like…”, I wrote almost the same sorts of things in the ways I talked about wanting to feel cared for and express caring in a sexual context. Engaging with this aspect of my kinky self really just intensifies those totally everyday things I want from sex.

Which, now that I think of it, is a lot of what all kink does for me. I am a major sensation hound, and when I am in a safe emotional space, I love everything from the most subtle, painfully teasing whisper of a touch to really intense pain, and especially the juxtaposition of extremes. Changing the dynamic in which these sensations are occurring from vanilla to kink (especially if it resembles the bottoming I’ve described above) has the effect of expanding the range of sensation (both in intensity of denial/teasing, and intensity of infliction) that I can withstand, and lets me experience things I otherwise wouldn’t. And that is super cool.

So yeah, that’s the sort of big picture of me and kink. Details are reserved for people I actually have kinky sex with, sorry folks!


  1. No apology necessary – that was already a lot of detail (in a great way)! Thank you for being so open and honest about how this works for you. I really love reading about this kind of thing, because I think there isn’t a lot of stuff that talks about it in this level of emotional detail, and this whole post really helps to expand emotional vocabulary and imagination.

  2. Intimacy, safety, vulnerability, a trusting relationship, explorations of pleasure. Though the specific acts may vary, these sound like the bases for any healthy, fulfilling sexuality. And of course, what constitutes a “kinky” act is often in the eye of the beholder anyway. I wish younger people could be exposed to the way you’re describing sex, because I think it would help them have healthier, more mutually respectful sex lives from the beginning. I know it would have helped me back in the day. I wish they could be taught to watch out when one or more of the above elements are missing. Hell, a lot of adults need to be taught that. Thanks for your reflections here.

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