So, I don’t know how much energy I will have for writing in the near future, but I didn’t want to leave Valprehension fallow without at least a note about it.
My life has lost a major amount of stability at this point, and some things that I have for a long time thought I had on lock are no longer things that I have at all.
Up until last winter, I was really very confident that I would be working on having kids (finally) within a year or two at the most. It is a thing I have already put off longer than I ever wanted to, in part because I entered the work force in the middle of the second great depression, so I have not exactly been financially stable ever, but mostly because it is a thing I don’t want to do alone, and I have been working toward building a solid foundation to have kids with someone who was working with me on it for quite some time.
But they have decided they don’t really think they want to have kids. And so now I no longer have a plan.
More than anything else, I am in some pretty seriously deep grieving right now, for a life I have poured a lot of work into that I am now not going to live.
I am also having near-daily panic attacks, even though this is not truly a dire circumstance. I have no idea how to go about finding someone new who will want to have this adventure with me. I am not really what most people look for in a co-parent – I am queer along too many axes, and parenting is hard enough without also having to deal with people not understanding what your family even is.
I no longer have a five-year plan. I have never not had a five-year plan (even though those plans have never come to fruition in the expected ways). I can’t deal with not knowing what to do and not actually being able to control whether I ever find the things I need to have the life I want.
And I know that this is the one of most common feelings in the world, and that everyone who doesn’t already have the partners or accomplices they need for the life they want to have feels this way. I am just also dealing with having been totally 100% confident for the last half a decade that I had that, and having been told now that I actually don’t. And not really having any idea what to do with that.
So, my energies are directed elsewhere for the time being, but I love you all!