I put on my binder this morning – for the first time in well over a month, and maybe the second time in the last three months or so (though I do still wear a sports bra semi-regularly) – and was amazed by how immediately comforting it was. A lot of the time these days it’s not a great option anyway; my primary job right now is reasonably physical-labour intensive and also involves 10+-hour days with a 1.5-2 hour commute each way and those days are too long to bind – even the bra gets a bit much by the time I get home.
But I have also been sort of semi-consciously avoiding it for a while, because it had gotten tied up in weirdfeels and general undercurrent of distrusting and/or disliking myself. I don’t think I felt like I deserved it or something. I couldn’t be trusted with it somehow, in a way that ties back into what I wrote about a few months ago around my reluctance to explicitly state boundaries. I’d been gently and obliviously pressured into taking the binder off on occasions when I didn’t want to (I mean, not really pressured – just that it was gently suggested to me as a thing I might want to do in a situation where I was really quietly and passively avoiding it and the other person reasonably didn’t notice/understand that, and once it had been explicitly brought to bear I wasn’t able to just be like “no, I don’t want to do that” even though I’m sure it would have been totally fine for me to do so?) It is all very theoretically unimportant and almost silly even, and yet I have been avoiding internally addressing what happened and what I did, to the point of not ever thinking about it directly, and apparently this extended to the point of not binding anymore for a while. I hate that that is a thing that I do, and I hate that it apparently affects me so deeply.
I don’t know how to be stronger. I don’t know how to trust myself, or other people, in moments like that. I am so good at being strong and level-headed and stubborn and direct about so many things, but then I crumble so easily around others.
Old wounds, do they ever heal? I would like to be more functional than this.
Anyway, at this point I’m just going to focus on the fact that right now, it feels really good to be back. I honestly love my binders!