So I’m genderqueer. So what? Who cares?
When I was lamenting recently about how the odds are pretty stacked against me being able to find a suitable co-parent for my parenting aspirations (someone who wants to be a parent, and isn’t intimidated by the inherent difficulty of forming a family with a genderqueer person, and who shares at least some of my rad queer politics, etc), a (straight, cisgender, married-with-a-kid-already) childhood friend of mine weighed in with “who cares if you’re genderqueer?”, and made the point that obviously anyone who has a problem with that isn’t someone I’m interested in anyway.
Which, this is true, of course. I deliberately put as much of my rad queerness and all of my outlier, potential deal-killer characteristics right out front on dating profiles specifically because I *want* to scare off anyone who’s not on board with that stuff. I am not willing to compromise who I am to seem more palatable.
But, the question itself still rankles me.
Who cares if I’m genderqueer?
Lots of people care, really. The internet and the real world are both full of people who care deeply and work extremely hard to invalidate my identity at every opportunity, to insist that I don’t exist, that I’m really either a boy or a girl, that I am delusional, that I am just seeking attention. I can’t just pretend these people don’t exist or that they don’t matter.
Moreover, lots of people that I would otherwise get along with well and may be compatible with will write me off as a dating partner. Many others might be willing to date me, but won’t want to start a family with me. And I’m not even judging them for this – it’s just true, and it is just a truth that makes my life more difficult.
Ultimately, though, this isn’t even about that. That’s not why the question bothers me so much.
So, once more: Who cares if I’m genderqueer?
I care. I care deeply. I have expended a huge amount of time and effort on finding ways to authentically be who I am, to embrace my identity and my self wholly and truly, and to be comfortable in the world I have no choice but to live in. I’ve written thousands of words on the topic, and sought out the words of others with similar experiences. It’s important to me, and because of that, it’s important to me that others care too.
I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care that I’m genderqueer. I don’t want to be liked despite or regardless of who I am. I want my genderqueerness to be valued, and to be cherished.
I’ll be honest with you. If you don’t care that I’m genderqueer, then you probably don’t even see me at all.