Monosexuality: I still don’t get it

A few years back, I wrote about how I struggle to understand how monosexuality (that is, being attracted to only one gender – straight or exclusively gay or lesbian) is even a thing. I know now that a great deal of my confusion around this is likely related to my demisexuality – because I don’t experience primary sexual attraction, it makes sense to me that sex and gender are not terribly relevant to my sexuality, I guess.

But this new-found knowledge doesn’t help me understand what it’s like to be monosexual so much as it clarifies why I don’t understand it (on top of the original obvious fact that it is simply not my experience, being bi/pan/omni version of queer and all). And now I also have a whole new set of questions around romantic orientation – I am so curious to hear from people whose romantic orientation is limited only to some genders, but not all, because I can’t wrap my head around it any more than I can sexual orientation. Less so even, because I can at least write off most people’s experience of sexual attraction as simply something I am never going to get, while I actaully feel like I have a pretty good grasp on romantic orientation.

So anyway, my little blog has a grown a lot since I last asked about this stuff, and I might now get more perspectives on this than I did back then, so I’m just going to repeat some of the questions from my first post about this:

So monosexuals: how do you define the boundaries of the sex[/gender] to which you are attracted, and what qualities are the essential ones? Can you explain what might happen if you found someone of a sex[/gender] to which you are not attracted, but who otherwise possessed all of the qualities you would normally consider essential? What makes the difference? Is it even knowable?

And monoromantics: kind of the same questions, I guess?

And people who have different sexual/romantic orientations (sexually pan, but romantically mono maybe?): I super want to hear from you too! Tell me about yourself and how this stuff works, because I want to learn!


  1. This is an interesting question for me. I’ve historically only been attracted physically and romantically to females or feminine energy. I have had mild interest, especially when younger towards masculinity, especially in women. As I got older though I preferred feminine women but occasionally a masculine woman would turn my head. I think, for me, what attracts me to a person is having a connection of some kind. Sometimes it’s a physical attribute (eyes, smile, etc.) that starts the spark, sometimes it’s a mental or spiritual connection. I can’t really explain it. When I look back at the people I’ve been in relationship with they are very different. I know that I’m attracted to strong, kind and funny people. At this stage of the game, after being partnered for nearly 19 years with the same woman, it’s hard to imagine being with anyone else, but if I were suddenly single and looking I think the only criteria I would look for is a close, trustworthy, loving connection. I am drawn to femininity like a moth to a flame so I’m not sure I could find a romantic or sexual connection with a masculine person, but I’m not closed to it.

  2. I have similar feelings about not getting it, except with sexual and romantic attraction (I’m aro ace). I don’t have the same struggle to understand monosexuality. Maybe because I don’t understand sexuality in the first place? Since the whole thing is theoretical to me anyway, it’s sort of a matter of course that the specifics would be, too.

  3. As someone who identifies as pansexual (and engaged to another pansexual) I am really curious what responses you get :)

  4. I am also pan and currently in a Butch on butch relationship,prior I was married 18 years to a bisexual femme , and like Seeking Clarity I am also interested to know what kind of answers you get :)

  5. I don’t believe I’m completely monosexual, but it’s an approximation that is useful enough for me, so I’ll try to explain.

    Being kinky and fucked up wholly colors my experience, so I can’t actually relate to intimate vanilla relationships at all, while I can grasp pretty much everything else, funnily enough. I say I am an androphile though, not straight, or even into “men” specifically because of my other fetishes. Does having mechanophilic tendencies disqualify me from the monosexual category? Ehh, maybe.

    I will admit that certain effects of gender are actually pretty damn important to me. I’m attracted to masculinity of a certain kind, a certain sort of presence and voice. Men generally occupy space differently than women or other feminine people do. They move different, smell different, have different bodily concerns. I like them being anatomically different from me – it’s just fun, honestly.

    The kinky side of me, however, is drawn to fear. I am rarely intimidated by anyone, but when I am, odds are they’re a man. If someone has a presence that puts me on edge without making me feel that I’m in any danger, I gravitate toward that like a slug to a tray of beer. That’s part of the thing that drew me to my now-husband: that feeling of intimidation while simultaneously knowing that the man was a total sweetheart. (We meet online before being able to see each other in person, and that intimidation I felt from being around him was unexpected and addicting.)

    Wide shoulders, strong backs, big hands, facial hair, dicks, balls, prostates, the kinds of life experiences and social expectations that come with being seen as a man, I just really fucking love it for some reason. I know it’s a major faux pas to admit to being attracted to body parts, but I don’t really care anymore.

    Being raised as a girl, idk, I just feel like I’ve been there, done that. There’s nothing exciting to me about rehashing myself like that with someone else. We are a uterus-free household and that, I’ve found, is more valuable to me than I ever could have anticipated. I still cry more than he does, but I know what it’s like to be overrun with testosterone and while I still want the influence of T in my life, I don’t want it coming from me.

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