The ‘Shit Cis People Say’ Alphabet: K is for “kinky”

Welcome to another episode of the Shit Cis People Say Alphabet! Today:

K is for “kinky”

There is this thing cis people sometimes (often?) do, when faced with the idea of a cis person wanting to have sex with a trans person (and this applies especially when a cis man is into a trans woman): they see it as ‘kinky’.

I don’t know if it is immediately apparent that this is messed up, on a bunch of levels really, but it should be. On its face, it is invalidating of the trans person in question in more ways than one.

The most immediate reason for this is that if you see sex with a trans person as inherently different than sex with a cis person, that’s blatantly transphobic. If trans women are women, if you really believe that, then sex with a trans woman is just sex with a woman. Which may or may not be kinky depending on the people involved and what they do, but the kink isn’t because that person is trans.

Secondarily, though, when people jump straight from, ‘oh, Person A is into Person B’ to ‘Person A must be super kinky, otherwise they wouldn’t be into Person B’, that carries some pretty terrible implications about their opinions of Person B. If the only way you can picture someone being an object of desire is if they are someone else’s particular kink, then you must think really poorly of that person.

Or, as is more likely, you must be reducing the entirety of their personhood and what they have to offer down to a single aspect of their identity, as often happens to trans people in all kinds of contexts, and is never ok.

Sexual attraction is a tricky thing, and just because someone is into a person that you aren’t into, that doesn’t mean their attraction, different from yours though it is, is inherently kinky. I think most of the time people know this, but somehow that knowledge flies out the window when faced with people’s attractions to trans folks.

And it’s gotta stop, not just because it’s shitty on its face, but also because it is a symptom of a much larger form of cissexism, wherein cis people are seen simply as people, but trans people are mostly just seen as trans.

Check out the rest of the “Shit Cis People Say” alphabet!

Demisexuality and kink: assorted thoughts

[Content note: this post mentions sex, masturbation, and kink but doesn’t reference any specific sex acts of kinks.]

I have had a long-standing pet theory around the ways that my demisexuality and my kinkiness are related, and the ways they aren’t.

The thing is, for almost as long as I have been masturbating*, I have been getting off to kinky fantasies. These fantasies rarely include particular people (though when there are people in my life that I am attracted to, I will also sometimes fantasize about them), but are rather filled with generic placeholders that exist to create the scenarios and dynamics that turn me on.

Which is a long-winded way of saying: it is clear to me that there are certain kinds of dynamics and scenarios that turn me on in and of themselves, and do not require sexual attraction toward the people involved to work for me.

And I sometimes wonder whether it would work for me if I were to try to enact some of my fantasies in real life, with people that shared my turn-ons but that I wasn’t close enough to to be attracted to. I actually really want to believe this is the case sometimes, simply because it would make it a lot easier for me to have the possibility of having and enjoying these sorts of experiences, without the really high bar that is involved in finding people sexually attractive as a demisexual.

…But the more I learn about myself, the more I think this isn’t actually the case. I have had some thoroughly pleasant sexual experiences in the recent past that actually let me check off some things from my bucket list, with people I genuinely like and whose company I enjoy, that I just wasn’t able to actually be fully into, and that were not ultimately particularly sexually fulfilling. They were interesting experiences rather than transcendental ones, basically.

I have also come to learn that the extent to which I am interested in engaging with kink, and the specific kinds of kinks I want to pursue with any individual person are highly dependent on the context of my relationship with that person – no matter how much some dynamic might appeal to me in the abstract, it is not going to be something I want to explore with everyone (I mean, obv, I guess?), or even with everyone I am attracted to, or even everyone I am in love with, or anything else.

Pretty much any change in a sexual/romantic relationship can change the ways I want to engage sexually with that person. And to be honest, I have not ever started out wanting kinky sex with anyone I was into – it’s a thing that develops over time as we figure each other out. And when I write that down it seems super obvious and maybe lots of people will be like ‘um, yes, that is how that works’ (though also I have been guilt-tripped for not being interested in engaging in kink with a particular person – a partner who wasn’t even kinky, but felt like I was somehow withholding anyway because I guess they felt they had some sort of right to every aspect of my sexuality(?) – so I guess not everyone gets that), but for some reason I hadn’t quite internalized it before now.

But anyway, my point is it is weirdly relieving to have grasped this understanding enough to maybe start developing better strategies for figuring the hows and whens and “do I even wants to”s of engaging with my kinky self and fantasies.

*which, for me is a thing that didn’t start until I was 16, and even then it was literally a “so, people seem to think this sex thing is a big deal but I don’t get the interest at all, but maybe I should try and see what an orgasm is like or something?” experiment and not something I felt any natural drive to do. At least not until after I figured it out. This digression brought to you by “how did I not realize I was on the asexual spectrum way earlier than I did?”

Me, and demisexuality, and… kink

[CN: this post does talk about sex and kink, but largely in a non-explicit ways. Some specific discussions of D/s dynamics, no mention of specific sex acts]

I have been trying for years to write about my relationship to kink. It’s complicated, and I struggle to articulate it a lot of the time. I mean, I can say “I am kinky”. That is true. But actually unpacking the ways and means of how I prefer to engage in kink, and what makes it awesome for me, is much harder.

I think that part of the problem is that I feel like I am combating misperceptions a lot of the time. Like, I’m kinky, but I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that that doesn’t mean whatever just jumped into your head when you read that? Even though, actually, what you thought of probably did at least superficially resemble something I enjoy. It’s just what’s going on under the surface that gets misunderstood a lot.

For instance, I know the popular perception of what it means to be involved in a dom/sub dynamic is pretty narrow. One person gets to decide what they want and demand it of/inflict it on the other person, right?

Well, I mean, I guess? This is definitely a thing that happens, and it is a thing I have been involved in, kinda, to some extent. It is for sure a thing I am capable of plugging into, and enjoying. But it’s not my thing. Not really.

So, what do I mean when I say I am feeling submissive, or bottom-y? For me, the kind of submission that is really powerful, that sings from deep inside me and fulfills me, goes kind of like this: I am surrendering my body to another person, based on the fact that I trust them to value it, and to take good care of it. I want them to understand that my submission is both a privilege and, importantly, a responsibility. My body is there for them to explore (note: not to use, or whatever), and my responses to their explorations are their reward. I am giving them clean slate to learn about and play with me, to find out how my body responds to different things, in a way that allows me to stop thinking and making decisions and just ride the sensations and see where they take me.

I will only submit to people that I can trust to take impeccable care of me. It’s not just about trusting that they won’t harm or violate me or whatever. Among other things, it means that I’m really only interested in doing engaging in this kind of play with people that I already have a strong sexual rapport, who have demonstrated a good understanding of my body and a high skill level in making me feel awesome in a variety of ways.

It’s a wonderful thing, when it works.

And, generally speaking, if I am feeling like I want to top someone, (and this is more theoretical than my thoughts on being a bottom, but for sure this is how I fantasize about it), mostly what I want is to be on the other end of that same dynamic. I want to be in control of what my partner is feeling, to see how they respond and to gain deep knowledge about how their body works, what makes them tick, and to take them on a sort of journey through their ability to experience pleasure and orgasm.

And I mean, to be clear, these aren’t the only way I can (or do) engage with kink, and I am really happy to play with all kinds of dynamics. The thing I’ve described here is just sort of my personal core fantasy (er, at least among the fantasies that I want to enact), most of the time.

In writing this out, it is also blatantly obvious to me how closely related these desires are to the more general descriptions I made about the kinds of emotional textures I like sex to have. In “I want to have sex like…”, I wrote almost the same sorts of things in the ways I talked about wanting to feel cared for and express caring in a sexual context. Engaging with this aspect of my kinky self really just intensifies those totally everyday things I want from sex.

Which, now that I think of it, is a lot of what all kink does for me. I am a major sensation hound, and when I am in a safe emotional space, I love everything from the most subtle, painfully teasing whisper of a touch to really intense pain, and especially the juxtaposition of extremes. Changing the dynamic in which these sensations are occurring from vanilla to kink (especially if it resembles the bottoming I’ve described above) has the effect of expanding the range of sensation (both in intensity of denial/teasing, and intensity of infliction) that I can withstand, and lets me experience things I otherwise wouldn’t. And that is super cool.

So yeah, that’s the sort of big picture of me and kink. Details are reserved for people I actually have kinky sex with, sorry folks!