life

I guess I’m *that* parent

Parenting is a huge messy enterprise. I think we all kinda know that, yeah? And it’s made messier by all the messaging around it: either parenting is the best thing ever and you absolutely cannot miss this unique experience, or it’s the hardest thing ever oh my god, I question ten times every day what have I done to my life? There’s very little middle ground here, except for the fact that both ends of the spectrum are true for most parents at some point?

I don’t know. Somehow I hadn’t thought too much about what I thought it would feel like to be a parent. I was sure I wanted to do it, and that was all there was to it.

But yeah, I’m team “best thing ever”, for the record. It’s ridiculous how completely I feel that way. When the baby known here as Goblin was born, one of the first things that my partner and I had to say about that wrinkled screaming mess was “their voice is soooo cute!”

And I like to joke that obviously I bonded instantly – my labour was induced by an oxytocin drip, which means I’d been pumped full of the love/bonding chemical for a good 12 hours before they were born, and another 12 hours after that. I probably could have bonded with a wet mop at that point!

But we’re way beyond that now. Goblin is almost a year and half now, and I am still just completely googly-eyed over them and everything they do. They’re very obviously the best creature ever to grace the earth (they’re also very obviously just pretty much a normal toddler, for the record; kinda advanced on some milestones, kinda behind on others. None of that is relevant.)

Seriously though, I’m the kind of parent who genuinely enjoyed all those middle-of-the-night feedings (ok, not *all*, but north of 90% of them I swear). What’s that? I get to get up and spend 20-40 minutes cuddling with my baby, who I haven’t seen in an excruciating 4 whole hours? AMAZING! THAT’S MY FAVOURITE THING TO DO!!

So, going to work has been harrrrrrrd for me. I have at least as much separation anxiety as Goblin does about it all, for sure. But we’ve got a decent routine, and I’m pretty good at cherishing the time we do have together, so while it’s not ideal, it works!

Do I even have a point here? I don’t think so! Just an update to say that I’m happy, I’m guess :)

Quick update/Consider yourself WARNED :P

I keep wanting to get back to blogging more regularly, but then keep… not doing that. It’s not because I don’t have things on my mind that I want to write about, it’s just that… my thoughts are pretty much always about my baby. And I don’t really want this to turn into a parenting blog.

Or at least, I’m not ready to admit that it might just have to become that for a while. This baby really is the centre of my entire universe; my perspective on pretty much everything is now through the lens of parenthood (and I wouldn’t have it any other way), so here we are.

It does seem like the only way I’ll be able to fire up the old writing habit will be to start letting myself write about baby/parenting stuff. So, be prepared I guess? I’m still going to talking about gender stuff and feminist ideas/perspectives and all that, it’ll just have a different flavour I guess. Maybe i’ll even branch out once I’m back in the game! Stay tuned for more next week :)

2013 has been a big year for me

Things I accomplished this year:

  • Started this blog!
  • Left a job that had been making me miserable for years
  • Got a new job where I am content and feel appreciated
  • Started a new relationship (squee!)
  • Finished all of the requirements for my Master’s degree(!!!!!)
  • Knitted a bunch of things
  • Experienced major person emotional growth (related to a bunch of the above list items, but most notably changing jobs, and navigating new relationships

Things that I have dealt with this year:

  • My little brother was shot, and subsequently disowned by my parents. (This seems to have been a little bit patched over – he sees my parents whenever I or my other brother are in town, but I don’t really know what’s going on beyond that. No one seems to want to talk about it – I think my parents are pretending it never happened or something. Awkward. I still have a lot of feelings about this.)
  • I had a major mental break-down, which spurred my change in jobs
  • My hubby ended a long(ish) term relationship. It was the first ongoing relationship he had developed since we got together, and it was a complicated thing to help him navigate its end.
  • Hubby has also been having a lot of, well, not major exactly, but really confusing and scary medical issues. He’s had at least four ER trips this year, three via ambulance, and we don’t really know what’s behind it all.
  • It might also be relevant to mention that my new partner is also my husband’s new partner. This has been a really interesting dynamic to navigate for all three of us. It’s good, but it’s not always easy.
  • It’s been a pretty wild ride, you guys. And I’m job-hunting again, now that I have new credentials and all!