tough decisions

Feeling stuck

My life is in a weird sort of space right now. I just got bumped up to full-time hours at my job (this is a good and important move), and am working at a bigger, busier branch, and since I love my work, it’s all very energizing.

My career is, at long last, taking off. Just the fact that I feel comfortable using the word ‘career’ with respect to my professional life is a big deal, to be honest.

This is great, obviously. But I am feeling at such a loss around what to do with, um, everything else?

I’m actually in a pretty stable place – I have good routines that allow for spending pretty regular quality time with all of the most important people in my life, and it is fulfilling and good.

But, I’m also worried about getting too comfortable with where I’m at.

To be honest, I’m getting as tired of mentioning this are you all probably are of reading about it, but I am still totally adrift with respect to figuring out the whole ‘having kids’ part of my general life goals.

I feel like I need to be working on that, but I also don’t know how right now. I don’t have any actual desire to date, even though I know that’s the most likely route to finding someone to have kids with. I know it’s not a thing I can force, and that dating when I don’t want to be is pretty much guaranteed to be a disaster, but I also feel… guilty(?) for not having the energy to get out there.

I honestly don’t know how to find a balance between living a life that is sustainable for where I’m at right now and continuing to work toward where I want to be. I don’t know how much energy and focus I should put on figuring out the kids thing, really.

On the one hand, I know it’s not healthy or smart to make it the only thing I’m putting energy toward. There are other things in my life that are important, other goals that I have, and other things that can and do fulfill me in various ways. If things don’t work out for me in terms of having kids, these things will be even more important, and I want to make sure my life is well-rounded and has lots of goodness in it.

On the other hand, though, I’m afraid that I will hate myself later for some of the decisions I’m making right now. I’m not doing everything I could be doing, even just to make my life passively open to the possibility of finding a co-parent. I’m not even doing some of the obvious things that I really feel like I should be, because it’s not really what I want right now. But I don’t want to be stuck looking back at this time in my life in ten or fifteen years, thinking of what might have been if I had just gotten myself into gear, and made the hard choices now, maybe things would have worked out the way I wanted.

My head and my heart are not in agreement on this one, and I am historically pretty awful at listening to my head. But I also don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. So I don’t know what to do anymore.